Peeling Off Another Layer

Tonight I completed my fourth week of a group called Beauty for Ashes (BforA). BforA is a group offered by my church for the survivors of sexual abuse. I was molested when I was a child and in college I was raped by a boyfriend and sexually harassed by a professor. Yes, I have issues. I have been aware of my issues for quite some time; the consequences of others actions in my life. What really, completely, dawned on me tonight was the lies that are in my life. There is an almost constant stream of negative thoughts running through my mind that push me to be the over-achieving, perfectionist that I am. One of the ladies in my group this evening told me that I was kind-hearted, smart, pretty, the whole package. I didn't believe her, I still don't believe her. I've never really believed any positive thing about myself. That is the realization that I came to this evening. I know there has to be something positive about me because I am God's creation. So the walls that I have so carefully built over the years are starting to crumble; it's a slow crumble but they are still crumbling. And as painful as that it, it's a good thing.

So, my prayer this evening is that I will continue to let the walls crumble, that I will continue to let God heal me, as painful as it may be.

Love

I was going to sleep, but that's not working out so well so I'll post a blog instead. A thought that I started researching forever ago was love because I wanted to write a really thought provoking blog post. That never happened, and of course because it was so long ago I can't find my notes that I was writing. However, love is something that has come up in my thoughts quite a bit recently and so I think it's time to pour out some thoughts on this electric piece of paper.

So, what is love? Growing up, I never quite understood how people talked about love. "Oh, I just LOVE >insert some food item here< it's my favorite!" Or, how about, "I LOVE those those shoes; they're perfect for my new outfit." Or, "I LOVE the way the information is presented in this book, it's amazing." Or, "I LOVE what you've done with your hair." The lsit goes on and on. So, what does "LOVE" really mean? I've never thought of love as an emotions but rather a choice. It's a choice to follow through with a commitment that you've made, even when a person is driving your crazy. It's a choice to not way away from a difficult situation but instead work it out. It's a choice to be there for someone that is going through a difficult time in their life. Someone posted on my Facebook page, "To me it means caring for others even though you don't feel like it and sharing the joy of eternal life with someone that's lost."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 states, "Love is patient and kind, love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

How many times do you use the word LOVE when it doesn't apply? I don't know about you, but I use the word LOVE inappropriately way more than I should. I'm even guilty of some of the above statements myself. I don't like that. I don't want to be saying things that just don't make sense.

This topic is kind of out of the blue. There have been no major changes in my life, still single and not dating, nothing has come up to make me question what love is. However, I've been struggling quite a bit with my depression lately.

Everyone has what I like to call a "love tank". This tank can be ful, or empty, or somewhere in the middle. Everyone accepts love in different ways (the five love languages) and everyone gives love in different ways. If someone is receiving love in a way that is not their love language then their tank starts to empty and is not refilled. I think my tank is pretty low right now, thus the struggle with depression. What I've recently realized is that I'm pretty high maintenance. Not high maintenance in the sense that I needs lots of things in my life or to be pampered, but high maintenance in the fact that I don't have one love language, I have all five. I had a friend once tell me I was like a chameleon, she couldn't figure out my love language; I would always give her and the people around her love in the way that they best received it. We had a good laugh about it, but that moment comes back to me now.

It comes back to me now because I think that there was more information in that little exchange than I realized. The reason I can love people in the way they need to be loved is because I need to be loved the same way. So how is your love tank? I would hope that most people's tanks would be full but I have a sneaking suspicion that there are many people out there running closer to empty. Maybe not you, or people in your family, or your close friends, but there are many people in the world that are alone. Who fills their love tank?

I figured it out...

Today was my uncles funeral. I didn't attend the funeral because it was in Ohio. I've been having a rough week and I couldn't figure out why, until yesterday evening. My mom called me to tell me that they were putting together my uncles memorial board and she was missing my help. After I got off the phone I realized that putting together the memorial board is how I've dealt with the deaths in my family. When my aunt passed away 5 years ago, I put together her memorial board and put together a disc of music to be played at the service. When my grandmother passed away in January, I put together her memorial board and helped pick out the hymns that would be sung at her service. I have not help in any way with my uncles memorial service. I didn't get to put together the memorial board and I didn't help with the music in any way.

My poor students, I've gotten so frustrated with them this week over little things that wouldn't normally bother me. Hopefully I'll do better next week with keeping my personal frustrations from intruding on my work.

Thursday Randomness

So, here I sit while a student works on his lab report. I thought I would take the opportunity to write a post on my blog.

I went to Disneyland today. I taught this morning, drove down to Anaheim for a few hours then came back to teach my evening lab. It was fun going for just a few hours, not too overwhelming. I got to go with my friend Bekah and her brother and nieces. It's always a new experience going with little ones.

I had an epiphany the other day, about myself. So now I'm working through this horrible realization I've made about myself and discovering how to change so I can be more Christ-like in my behavior. I think I spent 3 hours straight crying on Tuesday evening between realizing what I was doing and then spending time in prayer asking for forgiveness from God and then going and talking to a friend and asking for forgiveness from that person. Needless to say I was spent spiritually, emotionally and physically by the time I got home Tuesday evening.

And now, I'm going to go pick up the lab room and get ready to go home.

I'm so excited.....

and I just can’t hide it, I’m about to lose control.

So, I’m driving home this evening from the college listening to the “Comin’ On Strong” album by Carman. You’ve more than likely never heard of him, but I grew up listening to him. Anyway, listening to this “blast from the past” started me thinking about a blog Los wrote last week asking what we wanted to be when we grew up. When I read his question all I could remember was that I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up, and I am. However, singing along to Blessed Is He Who Comes, I remembered wanting to be a back-up singer for Carman. I never wanted to be the one that everyone saw, but I wanted to sing. That got me thinking about what I do on Sunday’s. I get to sing every Sunday with Eddie, who is an awesome musician, and I get to work with first through sixth graders and show them how much fun it can be to worship God and that it’s not just about singing a song. How incredibly awesome is that? Then that brought me to the thought that I really can’t imagine being anywhere else in my life. God is AMAZING and has worked things out way better than I ever could have. So that started me thinking about exactly where I am in my life and what I thought (when I was a kid) I would be doing at this point in my life and how it differs, one of those being that I’m still happily single (ok, well maybe not COMPLETELY happy, but pretty happy). Which got me thinking about this guy that I’m attracted to but do not want to date and I’ve been wondering why I don’t want to date him. I mean, he’s a pretty great guy, lots of great qualities. And it hit me, we are way too similar. I need someone that’s going to balance me out and that is not him. So, now I’m home, typing my thoughts, and feeling euphoric about all these little break-through’s I’ve had this evening. Yea for Diana!