Sunday, November 30, 2008

new poem

It's been quite some time since I've written a poem. This one I wrote this on the drive home this evening, so it's a very rough draft. But here it is.


A laughing facade
when really,
I'm dying inside.

Friends and family,
work and church,
no on wants me for me
but rather the things that I do.

my mind screams,
but my heart won't believe.

A tear rolls from my eye
for things gone unseen
while in exhaustion I lie.

The struggle continues
heart and mind disagree,
the same old news.


Monday, November 10, 2008

For Those That Asked

It was brought to my attention yesterday that I need to blog more frequently. I really do. Whether I actually post what I type or not I realized today that it's a good release. Since I have not posted in a couple of months this is likely to be incredibly long, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

Looking back through old posts I didn't see that I had posted anything about my family. I think this is because I've been in denial about many things that have happened in my life. So, a quick review of family life. In January my grandmother passed away from a very rare form of cancer. I used to stay with her and my grandfather during the summer. Some of my best memories from childhood are sitting up late playing canasta with her, eating a bowl of ice cream or a pickle, and talking about life and what we thought about it. I miss her. In April my uncle passed away from a rare form of leukemia. I wasn't as close to my uncle as I am to some of my other family members but I remember going over to his house as a child for Christmas parties planning what I was going to perform for everyone and then deciding at the last minute that I couldn't stand having everyone watching me. David gave me my first taste of beer, I was 5. Needless to say my mom was not happy with him. In August Carle, my step-dad, discovered that he has a ruptured intestine, not pretty to say the least. The performed surgery to fix it in September. On Halloween he was taken to emergency for his gallbladder. They can't do surgery for that until he finishes healing from the surgery on his intestines, so in January or February he'll be going through surgery again. Last month they found prostate cancer in my grandfather. He'll be having his first laster treatment this week. Oh yea, and Sam moved to Arizona. I really miss my partner in crime, having off-the-wall conversations just isn't the same without him.

Life in general hasn't been to terribly calm either. Over the summer a co-worker at Borders was killed in an accident, her car was hit by a train. Needless to say it was a blow to the Borders community. Those of us that knew her best, that worked with her on a regular basis and hung out with her outside of work were hit the hardest. Last week my doctor passed away. They're still not giving out any information all they're saying is Marsha (his wife) and the kids are ok. I'm thinking it was an accident of some sort but don't know for sure. I know this will sound incredibly cold, but I'm really not looking forward to finding a new doctor. For those that know the history, I still have my cyst problems. I have one rupture about every other month, but the pain is starting to be bearable.

I'm still teaching at the college, I have 5 labs this quarter, and am working at Borders still. I'm busier than ever with Pipeline stuff. I'm still praying for volunteers that want to help with behind-the-scenes stuff. If you know of anyone, please have them contact me. Yes, that was a plug for Pipeline volunteers; I have no shame. My big project right now with Pipeline is I'm helping plan the Family Ministries Christmas party. We have 255 volunteers in Family Ministries and a Christmas party would involve spouses and children of volunteers as well, so we're looking at about 500 people. Now albeit not all of those people will show up, but about two-thirds of that crowd is still 350 people. How do you plan a party for 350 people when you don't have your own church building without spending a small fortune on the thing? I am currently looking for solutions. I am also now leading a small group. I finally listened to God and became a small group leader. So I've added more to my plate, but there's still only 24 hours in a day. Per the little voices in my head and the not so little voices outside my head (Justin, Steven, Beky, my mom) I really am looking to cut back.

However, all of that being said, I am incredibly blessed. I have an amazing group of friends that love and support me. A small group of people I can call at any time day or night that will be there with a shoulder I can cry on or a great big hug to help me calm down. They remind me to put my focus back on God and to hand things over to Him. They are the reason I am still sane, that and a few well-timed trips to Disneyland. Disneyland has been one of my few "fun" outlets lately. Speaking of which, if anyone is still reading this and would like to join me, I am going this Friday, the 14th, for my birthday.

I think that's it. I really can't think any more right now. I'm sure something else will come to mind in the near future. If that happens I'll try to post it.

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