Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Peeling Off Another Layer

Tonight I completed my fourth week of a group called Beauty for Ashes (BforA). BforA is a group offered by my church for the survivors of sexual abuse. I was molested when I was a child and in college I was raped by a boyfriend and sexually harassed by a professor. Yes, I have issues. I have been aware of my issues for quite some time; the consequences of others actions in my life. What really, completely, dawned on me tonight was the lies that are in my life. There is an almost constant stream of negative thoughts running through my mind that push me to be the over-achieving, perfectionist that I am. One of the ladies in my group this evening told me that I was kind-hearted, smart, pretty, the whole package. I didn't believe her, I still don't believe her. I've never really believed any positive thing about myself. That is the realization that I came to this evening. I know there has to be something positive about me because I am God's creation. So the walls that I have so carefully built over the years are starting to crumble; it's a slow crumble but they are still crumbling. And as painful as that it, it's a good thing.

So, my prayer this evening is that I will continue to let the walls crumble, that I will continue to let God heal me, as painful as it may be.

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