Thought Vomit

I've been incognito for awhile now. Not only have I not been posting, but I haven't been reading blogs either. I feel so behind the times. Oh so much to write and so little desire to write it. I had a birthday, it was fun. I went to Disneyland with a couple a friends. I would post pictures, but I haven't gotten copies of pictures yet. One of these days I might actually buy a camera for myself.

But the thing, or rather I should say person, that has really been consuming my thoughts is my grandma. She is progressively getting worse. Sam and I went out for Thanksgiving; we left Wednesday afternoon and came home on Friday evening. My grandma is now bed-ridden. It's so hard to see her in so much pain; I don't want her to be in pain. I don't want her to die, but I don't want her to live in pain. I want her to know that it's ok to let go and I don't think I did a very good job of conveying that to her while I was there. I know I’m part of the reason she wants to stick around. The oldest grandchild (a girl) is still not married with no prospects even remotely close. While we were there we got a call and my uncle is in the hospital, his bone cancer is back again and the chemo isn’t helping this time. Then to top it off the dog (who lives with my grandparents but I raised him) has cancer in his tail bone. My family is cancer happy it seems.

However, all that being said, I am truly doing ok. Emotionally I’m drained from everything that has been going on, but I’m not worrying about anything and I’m not trying to control the situation, I’m giving it to God.